For me, finding emotional balance is like log rolling while juggling chainsaws. I just came back from possibly one of the most exhilarating weeks of my life, preaching to hundreds of kids, to a very quiet office. The silence is deafening. That is not to say I do not enjoy quiet. I do. Just not so abruptly.
It’s kind of difficult to even write but I am going to keep typing until something clicks. I am not going to try and spiritualize my thoughts because that would mask what I am really feeling: Disappointment. There, I said it. I am disappointed. I don’t need a scripture or a song to get me out of it. I don’t need a sermon or a message in tongues. I need understanding. I need to understand why I feel this way.
I have a great family, yes, including the kids.
I have a great ministry to great kids at PGA.
I have a nice house.
I have good friends from all over the country
and yet….
I am disappointed. In God? No. Him and I are on great terms.
In myself? Sometimes. I always think I can do more. Go faster. Create better.
In life in general? Sometimes.
Do I think I disappoint people? Yep, all the time.
So, what is my deal? Too much honesty? Maybe, but that’s how life and ministry is sometimes. Maybe if I talk about my occasional disappointments it will help someone else.
This is not a post about wanting pity. No one needs to feel sorry for me. It is simply a moment of honesty I need to have. A bleeding out of negative thoughts and feeling. Like sucking out the poison of a snake bite. Let me bleed a little and I’ll be back to “normal” shortly.
Here are a few quotes I am sitting on from Good Reads. They, combined, sort of say what I feel
“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.”
― Paulo Coelho, Brida
“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
― Alexander Pope
So, I am in the low part of life for a day or two until I can find my way up and out.
Am I alone in this?
Do you go through similar things? What do you do to get out of your High/Low funk?
If Elijah can go through it, if Jonah can go through it, and if Jesus can go through it in the garden, and all of them make it out, I am am going to go through it and make out as well.