I recently had one of my Youtube channel’s subscribers ask a question about discipline
“How would you handle more serious youth group issues?
Where is the line when you remove them from group permanently?
How do you talk to the parents of extremely challenging students?
Examples:
Kids bringing illegal substances or weapons to group,
viewing obscene things, kids who break things (possibly not on accident),
kid who bring beef to group borderline fighting or actually fighting,
a student encouraging other students to self harm?
I am going to talk to my leadership, but was wondering your thoughts on more serious discipline/issues.”
These are, unfortunately, necessary questions for a youth group with these kinds of challenges but I think all youth groups need standards for behavior otherwise, as Winston told John Wick, “Rules, without them we live with the animals”
If you don’t have order you can’t teach. If you cannot teach the message is lost and so will the kids who come looking for that message.
Here is my answer for both the viewer and for you, should you be dealing with an unruly bunch of teenagers.
The Questions You Should Be Asking
Does your group have a code (standards, rules, etc.)
Just like a classroom full of students cannot learn without rules, a youth group cannot learn without a code. I prefer to use the term code over rules because where rules can seem arbitrary a code goes deeper, it’s something student can adopt or not.
Does every student know and understand the code and their consequences
Is your code posted? In the room, on your website, on social, in the bathrooms? You can’t have it enough places because teens need reminders. Have you taught/preached through the code? They don’t just need reminders, they need repetition and examples. Make sure you live the code.
Does every parent know and understand the code and their consequences
Kids will know when they broke the code and will either be contrite or defiant. Parents who neither know or understand the code will be angry if they do not know or understand or how it was applied to their child. Be sure you share, frequently, about the code (maybe in devotional snippets) and why it’s important.
Which parts of the code have wiggle room (grace) and which do not (discipline)
If I gave out the same consequences for jay walking as I did for murder, that would be a problem. The goal of your youth group code is not to get rid of bad kids but to redeem lost kids. Be wise in the creation of your code and build in more discipleship and less judgement.
Does the leadership (pastor, team) know and understand the code and it’s consequences,. Do they approve
You can create all the codes you want but if the people above you will not back it, equally, you are playing a losing game. The code applies to everyone from the street kid to the deacons daughter and if doesn’t, better to not have a code at all.
Is there a process a student goes though even if they are kicked out (post care, etc)?
I had a young man that I told he needed to take a few weeks off because he was not quite understanding the purpose of youth group. During this 2 week process, I called him, talked to his parents and showed genuine care. I brought him back and he was better but not perfect and that is all I could ask for.
Is there a process for parents to go through if their children are given time off or removed (a holistic approach)
This is a great time, if the parents are willing, to go through some discipleship themselves. You could ask them to go through a book together or have several dinner dates where you (and maybe your pastor) could get to know them better. The goal is to speak life about their kids and why your youth group benefits from having them their and what they may benefit from being there.
Are all leaders willing to enforce those rules no matter what?
If the code will not be enforced, don’t have one. Simple as that. Codes are easier to enforce if you not always threatening kids with the code. If you’ve done your job of communicating with and training leaders, then enforcing the code is not useless rule but a means of deeper discipleship.
There is one thing you should know before creating a code, a code is worthless if your youth group isn’t worth attending in the first place. If you ban me from a restaurant that serves average food, why do I care? There’s another average restaurant down the street.
In the tv show Seinfeld, Elaine is banned for a year from getting soup by “The Soup Nazi”. Why was she so upset to get banned, because the soup was so good and all her friends went there.
Make sure your “soup” is so good, your students never want to miss it.
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