Youth Ministry in Motion Podcast Episode 68
I was listening to one of my favorite new podcasts, Everything Happens with Kate Bowler (Teacher at Duke Divinity School) with one of my favorite actors, Alan Alda (M.A.S.H, Same Time Next Year, and The Four Seasons).
Alan is on the show to discuss the training he does with doctors on how to improve their communication skills with patients. Often doctors offer bad news in harsh ways. They lack empathy and can be very cold in their approach to what should be an intimate and caring moment between two human beings.
I see this kind of practice as no different as when youth workers, pastors, bosses, etc. are talking with, well, anyone. Us youth workers, especially when we’re younger, can be so impetuous and full of spunk (also read as: CRAP) that we think we know everything and are better speakers than listeners.
Think of all the times a pastor has to communicate where it matters how they communicate
- when someone comes in for counseling for addiction
- when someone receives bad news at the doctors
- when there’s a sensitive meeting about church members
- dealing with death and dying
Whether we’re “experts” because we have a degree or because we’ve simply been doing pastoral work a long time, we should always evaluate our communication skills. We, like doctors, have to deliver bad news,
You can ‘t go on the trip because…
You have to step down because…
We have to have a talk about…
Your soul is in trouble….
Not even three minutes into the podcast, Alan Alda offers a simple recipe for good communication based on the acting skill called improve. These are massive lessons all ministers in all positions, should learn when communicating with their the congregation, students, their spouses and pretty much everyone else.
The Essence of improve
focus on the other person
Listen intently, make eye contact, watch their body language.
the other person come first
Wait for cues or permission to interject, don’t interrupt. Our opinion may be different, but it’s not more important than the other persons opinion.
make your partner look good
How can I speak to empower the other person? How can avoid tearing anyone down and still making my point. Don’t degrade the other person to make ourselves look good.
become partners in communication
Approach every conversation as a partnership. You are both trying to achieve something, work together to help each other share what is really important to them
don’t deny your partner
Let them have their say. Let the other person “beat around the bush” a little until they are comfortable getting to the point. Don’t deny the other person your empathy and care no matter how difficult the subject.
You don’t have a target of communication, you have a partner in communication.
We do not speak at people, we speak with people. People are not targets for our information, they are partners in developing a conversation around what both of us want to talk about.
Scripture exhorts us to,
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4;6
Conversation – words, speech, divine utterances (aren’t they all?)
Full of grace – disposed to, inclined, favorable towards, leaning towards to share (listen more talk less, less judgement more empathy)
Seasoned with salt – God preserving and seasoning a believer as they grow (Seek each others growth, and to preserve one another dignity)
Take a moment and ask yourself,
How much of my last conversation was filled with grace and seasoned with salt?
Was the person I was talking with a “target” of my information or. a partner in our communication?
We can, and should, always improve in our communication with others, especially to those whom we are making life long followers of Jesus.
You might also be interested in my take on Improvisational Youth Ministry
You can also watch the podcast as I share live on the Youth Ministry in Motion Facebook Page, come join us.