Tag Archives: relationships

Is There Hope For The Un-Relational Youth Pastor?

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We all know that youth ministry and ministry in general is driven by relationships, but what about those of us who are not anti-social but growing relationally challenged? I will say that early on in my life I felt like I had to be the life of the party and entertain everyone around me, now that I am older I don’t feel the need to do so, but I look at relationships, especially with young people differently.

I grew up an only child, so I am used to having alone time. In fact, the older I get, the more I like to be alone. I like to read, study, you know, all those things many of did not like when were younger. How has my relationship style changed with students and just about everyone else? Here are a few things I am practicing:

  • Shorter burst of relational time but more meaningful.
  • Say things that matter and skip the fluff.
  • Longer periods of quiet and reflection so when I do jump in to the thick of it I am charged and ready for it.
  • More texting (short encouragements).
  • Less Facebook time (especially chatting)
  • More meal time with students.
  • Not feeling guilty if I am not always there.
  • Letting others step into the spot light.

These are not just tips from a guy who is growing older in his profession, they are nuggets for anyone who thinks they have to be “on” all the time. I don’t think am losing a step in the area of relationships but as choosing my steps more wisely.

Do you struggle in building/maintaining relationships with students? Tell us about it. Have some more tips for the relationally challenged? Share those too.

Are You Overexposing Yourself?

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I examined my week and I decided I was spending too much time with kids. Is that possible? I think it is. I saw kids on Sunday and Wednesday, I had a student leadership meeting on Monday, I was taking homeschool kids to lunch, Facbooking, and on and on. I don’t think kids need us that much. It’s us who think kids need us that much.
I think overexposure:
  • Dulls our voice. They hear us all the time.
  • Makes us a buddy more than a leader.
  • Keeps us from being objective in some cases.
  • Keeps us from valuable think time.
  • Depletes us emotionally.

Examine your schedule. Where can you cut back on being overexposed? What do you think, can you spend too much time with kids?

When A Student Leaves: Exit Strategies

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I hate it when a kid leaves our group. When a kid leaves, depending on the kid, several bad things can happen:

  • We lose momentum
  • We lose other kids
  • We lose leadership
  • We lose workers
  • We lose a friend
  • We lose our job, if it’s a bunch of kids

Kids can leave for any number of reasons. I recently lost a kid, not because of our program, but because of a church/relationships matter. Many kids slip away into the night and we don’t find our for weeks that they’ve quit coming. What I respect about this student, is that they wrote and told me they were leaving. They told me it wasn’t anything  I did, but they had to follow their family. What I hate, is losing a student that has so much potential. I miss the fact that I will miss their spiritual journey; to watch them grow, fail,and grow some more.

Here are a few ways to prevent or manage the damage of a students exit.

1. Steady the teetering

If you have some students or parents on the edge, meet it head on. Begin a conversation about what’s going on with their lives, give them a chance to vent. Let them put their struggles on the table. Don’t flinch, listen.

2. Strengthen what you have

Make sure you are calling or meeting with kids beyond group time. We can’t just phone it in anymore. Try some unplanned, impromptu stuff like a lunch, one night camping trip, or a quick road trip. Building community and relationships have to move beyond the youth room.

3. When a kid leaves, find out why

I used to not care, no, really, I didn’t . I felt like it was on a kid if they didn’t want to be here. Now, I try harder to weigh each case and be more proactive. I sat down with a students once who told me they were leaving, I could not convince her not to leave. What I did challenge her to do was tell the group why she was leaving. She did, and it erased any speculation and chatter of why she was leaving.

4. Encourage kids to see the future

When a student leaves, and it could effect others, move quickly to rally the troops. Talk with them about the future and the vision of the youth ministry. Share with them how you see them making this happen and that they are valued.

5. Don’t close the door or give away their seat

Kids are fickle. Whether they leave by their own choice to another group, or whether it  be a heat of the moment decision or a gradual drift, keep communication lines open. I have had kids leave and come back a year later. I have kids who went to other groups but still call me when they have a problem. Just because a kid is not in your group any longer, does not mean God has released you from them or cancelled any future plans to minister to them. Oh, that girl that left my group and told the group why she was leaving? I am performing her wedding this year.

You can’t stop kids from leaving. It’s part of the job. We have to learn, as hard as it may be, not to take each one personally. We have to look to the Lord, who Himself had a mass exodus at a critical time in his life. Yet, we find Him visiting with those same disciples, eating fish and chatting around the fire about life. If He can do it, so can we.

Worship: Pardon The Interruption

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I was in a prayer meeting with six or seven students. One of the leaders brought an IPhone to play worship music on. I do this often as well but tonight the inevitable happened; in the middle of a song the phone rang, later you could hear an email come through, then a Words With Friends update.

I could have taken the route of saying, “nothing should distract you from worshipping God”. Then I began to think of worship as a relational activity with God rather than to God.

What if God wants to interrupt our worship? Our song? Our prayer? Our dance? What if he has something to tell us or reveal to us?

Many religions objectify their god. Their god is a static tool for them to worship. The god simply sits and listens to the chants and prayers and is under no obligation to interact with it’s worshippers. But this is not true of our God.

We teach our students and ourselves to focus on worshipping Jesus and to not be distracted. But, what if the thought that we think is  a distraction, is from God himself?

  • Maybe their is sin God wants us to repent of in the middle of our Chris Tomlin song? Isn’t that what the presence of God does? All things come to light. In God’s presence, Isaiah became aware of his foul mouth.
  • Jesus said,  “So if you are presenting a sacrificei at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” Matthew 5:23-24 Maybe God wants us to stop worshipping and reconcile a relationship.

I guess my overall point is that God is not an idol of static worship.  He is the ever-living God who wants to celebrate a son coming home, forgive a sinner who repents, hug a child seeking love, befriend a lonely soul seeking a friend. Let us worship God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Let us leave room for God to interrupt our singing, our raising of hands, our kneeling and focus so we may worship Him with our obedience.