Free Advice
This is where we may tackle problem spots in our youth ministries and let others give us some free advice.
Oh No They Didn’t! Staying Out Of Trouble With Your Teens
Sep 3rd
Teenagers can be about as stable as Homer running a nuclear reactor. The little red light could go off at any time accompanied by wailing sirens. Here a a few tips for staying out of trouble with your teens.
1. Keep your promises
Promises are important to teens. They are even more important if they come from you. Teens live in a world of broken promises divorces, fake friends, sleazy boy/girl friends, etc. If you promise to be at game, be there. If you promises to take them some where, go there. If you break a promise, own it and apologize. Keep your promises because broken promises are the hardest thing to mend.
2. Don’t call them out publicly
A teenagers phone goes off the other night in youth. I have two choices, rebuke her make a joke. I made the joke. Why? Because a public rebuke is not only the quickest way to get you in trouble with not only that teen, but all their friends as well. YM is all about relationships. Sometimes we can caught up with rules or become self righteous and feel like spouting off, don’t, it will cost you. A simple rule to keep in mind is praise in public, correct in private. This will save you some relational grief.
3. Don’t just jump in, look for permission first
Teens are tribal. You need permission from the tribe or tribal leader to
- Sit at their lunch table
- Talk to their friends
- Invite their friends to things
- Take about their culture (like you know it)
- To act like them (to a degree)
- To share stories about them (in a message)
- Breath
Ok, the last one is a bit of exaggeration, but not by much. At least this how my 17 year old daughter makes me feel. It’s a dance. You have to see permission to join the dance. To just jump in makes the tribe cranky. Don’t do it or you’ll find yourself in a big, black pot of boiling water or on one of those giant skewers Johnny Depp found himself on in Pirates of the Caribbean. Look for the nod, the wave, the opening to be a part
4. Don’t leave them out, consult with them
Yes, I said consult them. Teens feel powerless most of the time. Parents, teachers, and youth pastors just plan stuff and don’t bother to say anything to the teenager except “Show up” Letting students be part of the process gives power back to a teen to make decisions. Start a leadership team and let students own the youth program. They will thanks you for it later.
5. Don’t talk down to them If you want to cause strife, just talk down to a teen like they are stupid or a little kid. At times, we can sound sarcastic or condescending, We should always try to elevate the conversation, to help students understand that we believe they have something to contribute. Whether we are speaking casually or form the pulpit, we should always respect our audience. They are not as:
- dumb as we think
- apathetic as we think
- unloving as we think
Don’t assume anything. Err on he side of caution and give them the benefit of the doubt. Whether it is in casual conversation or from the pulpit, we may be the authority but we don’t always have to prove it.
Avoiding The Pastor Disaster
Aug 27th
Keeping with our theme of not shooting ourselves in the foot through self inflicted conflict., I share 5 ways to avoid conflict with your Pastor. In my naive days, I thought the youth ministry was my world, my silo, separate from other ministries. In reality, the only reason we have this full time, professional, role is because our boss, our pastor, signs those checks. I know, they could not do it unless God let them but I challenge you to get a bank to cash a check signed by God. So, let’s try our best today to remove ourselves from harming the relationship that could be the difference between success and failure.
1. Keep them in the loop
A lack of informations produces fear. Operating out of a fear and operating out of confidence make all the difference. Consider your pastors schedule
- Hospital visits (that stuff you really don’t want to do)
- Counseling sessions
- Jail visits (hopefully not to any of your students or possibly you)
- Sermon Prep
The list goes on. When something is going on that they NEED to know about but doesn’t , it could result in the knee-jerk expression of fear “Who’s in charge?” Then, they will have to exert that they are. Here are some ways to keep your pastor in the loop.
- Add them to critical e-mail lists (adult leaders, parents newsletter, etc)
- Tweet them when something changes
- Give them your four month plan
- Bring up changes in staff meeting
- Keep your calendar online and send them a link
- Post it to their door
- Make sure their secretary has the information.
Another way to keep your pastor in the loop is invite him to switch pulpits. Let them do your service and you do his. This way they can see the good you are doing and give them a chance to connect with students.
Whatever you do, keep your pastor informed about what is going on. This way they can brag on you 
2. Tell them before they find out
We all have those moments of “should I tell or shouldn’t I?”. My vote: tell. What are some of the things you might want to tell your pastor before they find out?
- An exchange of words with THAT parent
- An exchange of words with THAT deacon or board member
- And exchange of words with his wife or kids
- When numbers are down. Plead a Mea Culpa and ask for help.
- When you know you spent to much and the event sucked.
- When a prominent student is no longer attending.
- That thing that happened at that camp before they see it on YouTube.
There are a dozen more, but God will usually let us know when we should share. Take the hit early and work your way up from there.
3. Plan together
If your Turkey Bowl is conflicting with the Downtown outreach, that’s a problem. Staff members too often live separate live and engage in silo building. Do as much planning up front too avoid date conflicts. I know some of this may be out of your control but try asking for 1 day a quarter to break out the calendars and everyone getting on the same page. The very fact, that the youth pastor is suggesting does 2 things 1) Signifies the apocalypse may be occurring and 2) It sends your stock sky high.
4. Think big picture not youth group
Like I said in the beginning, this is only our youth group as long as someone above us tells us it is. When I was working flipping houses for rent, someone gave some great advice, “Don’t fall in love with your property”. This statement simply says, it’s gonna get messed up; so don’t get obsessed with it. Solomon says it this way,
“So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. And who knows whether he will be a wise man or a fool? Yet he will have control over all the work into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. This too is meaningless.” Ecclesiastes 2:17-19
My suggestions is to erase this phrase from your vocab “My ministry” or “My youth group”. This group only exists because there is a local church established. You may just want to stop saying “mine” all together.
Your best bet is to get on the same page with your Pastor. What is the overall mission of the church and how can you lead the youth to help them accomplish this and disciple your students at the same time. This can lead to a longer stay and a reputation of being a team player.
Trust me, for this radical, “fight the power” youth pastor of old to say this, seems quite strange, but I found it to be quite true.
5. Make their priorities your priorities
It should not take us long to figure this out. Just listen in staff meeting for a few weeks and write down key words. Some words may be
- Budget (money is important, be thrifty)
- Facilities (building is important, keep it clean)
- Souls (evangelism is important, do more outreach)
- Schedule ( time and organization is important, be on time, be organized)
- Key names ( relationships are important, improve them)
Like I said, it does not take long to know what they think is important and the longer you take to make their priorities your priorities, you increase the chance of a conflict. I am not talking about kissing the ring, I am talking about decreasing the opportunity of conflict so God can bless your obedience and open doors to getting some of your dreams and ideas through.
5 Ways To Avoid Self-Inflicted Conflict With Parents
Aug 26th
I was happy to be a part of this weeks live conversation on Monday with Tim Schmoyer and Life in Student Ministry. The topic for this weeks conversation was dealing with conflict. Something I am well aquatinted with. If you are a breathing human being you will face conflict eventaully. If you work with teenagers your chances of facing conflict go up exponentially. What I have found is, that much of the conflict we face is self-inflicted.
For the Youth Pastor, there are two kinds of conflict, conflict over program and personal conflict. Program conflicts are represented by, over programming, “that game” you played, and “why can’t my 6th grader go on the senior only trip?”. Personal conflict comes when we don’t handle the program conflicts very well. There are a dozen reasons for parents to be unhappy. Let me share just five ways to avoid self inflicted conflict in these areas with parents
1. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.
You can’t do it enough. Parents want to be in the know not left in the dark. It coul be something as simple as a time change you did not inform them of. Figure out how many ways you can change the way you communicate:
- Post the changes on Facebook
- Have a parent Twitter feed
- A weekly e-mail
- Quarterly parent meeting
2. Have all forms available.
Like many of you, I do a yearly permission form. When parents do not have the proper paperwork such as permission slips or retreat forms it make us look sloppy and even lazy. Have a place where these forms are easily accessible. Post them on your website, staple a folder on the wall and stick the forms in there, etc. If forms need to be notarized, make sure you offer a list of people in your church or places around town where they can get the paper work notarized. If all else fails, become a notary yourself.
3. Make it right and fast
If you blow it or think you blew it, make that call and apologize. Scripture says, ”Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.” Matthew 5:25
Paraphrased: “Make peace with parents quickly, lest they e-mail the pastor and then you are in deep trouble and are promptly fired, and are back to eating mac and cheese and raman noodles every night.”
4. Be involved
The more you are seen and heard by parents the more they can get to know you. Schools decrease the chances of conflict by having Open House where the teacher can meet parents and answer questions. Some parents need to have their fears alleviated like:
- Will this youth pastor really love my homeschooled kid?
- Will this youth pastor take unnecessary risks with my child?
- Does this youth pastor have sound judgement?
- Will this youth pastor be an ally to me and my home.?
Some of this will just happen over time but don’t avoid it. Invest early and you will reap rewards.
5. Watch your attitude
Attitude is
- Tone of voice
- Body language
- Facial expressions
- Emotional Response
All these have to be kept in check if you want to avoid self inflicted conflict with parents. Don’t roll your eyes when a parent makes an insane request, don’t raise your voice when challenged, keep it even toned as much as possible (only God helps me with this because I am bad at it), don’t shift around or shuffle your feet when a parent is talking with you about something important and do make eye contact with them, otherwise, they might think you have somewhere else to be (and you might be) but show the parent they are important and their concerns are legit.
I hope these tips help in the short and long term. of your ministry. Am I missing one? I’m positive I am, so share yours and we’ll all be a little smarter when working with parents. God knows I need it.
Worship: Pardon The Interruption
Jul 14th
I was in a prayer meeting with six or seven students. One of the leaders brought an IPhone to play worship music on. I do this often as well but tonight the inevitable happened; in the middle of a song the phone rang, later you could hear an email come through, then a Words With Friends update.
I could have taken the route of saying, “nothing should distract you from worshipping God”. Then I began to think of worship as a relational activity with God rather than to God.
What if God wants to interrupt our worship? Our song? Our prayer? Our dance? What if he has something to tell us or reveal to us?
Many religions objectify their god. Their god is a static tool for them to worship. The god simply sits and listens to the chants and prayers and is under no obligation to interact with it’s worshippers. But this is not true of our God.
We teach our students and ourselves to focus on worshipping Jesus and to not be distracted. But, what if the thought that we think is a distraction, is from God himself?
- Maybe their is sin God wants us to repent of in the middle of our Chris Tomlin song? Isn’t that what the presence of God does? All things come to light. In God’s presence, Isaiah became aware of his foul mouth.
- Jesus said, “So if you are presenting a sacrificei at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” Matthew 5:23-24 Maybe God wants us to stop worshipping and reconcile a relationship.
I guess my overall point is that God is not an idol of static worship. He is the ever-living God who wants to celebrate a son coming home, forgive a sinner who repents, hug a child seeking love, befriend a lonely soul seeking a friend. Let us worship God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Let us leave room for God to interrupt our singing, our raising of hands, our kneeling and focus so we may worship Him with our obedience.
Failure Is An Option
Jul 3rd
I was told numerous times in staff meetings over the years that failure is not an option. But it is and it should be. Usually this slogan is centered around:
- a big church event
- keeping your job
- growing the church or youth ministry (see #2)
This is small thinking at it’s worst. Failure in these cases is certainly an option and should be an option. I was recently on a missions trip and the boys we were with were making some building mistakes. Our crew chief, Billy (an amazing man) would say, if you are not failing you are not doing anything. I could not agree more. Our fear point for failure revolves around us. We worry what others (the world), other churches, or believers will think of the us or our church (small c).
We need to broaden our view of failure. Would Peter’s daring walk on water be nearly as interesting if he had not sunk? No, because the lesson here is not: Don’t Sink, the message is: Keep your eyes on Jesus. We are so worried about sinking we never even think of getting out of the boat. Let us keep our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.
Let’s challenge our youth and ourselves to fail greatly for the cause of Christ. This should be our list and mandate for failing. These are dreams, goals, and mandates that our worthy of our efforts and even our failures in our effort to achieve them.
- Building the Kingdom of God
- Raising up a new generation of leaders
- Making our youth ministry student-led instead of spectator induced
- Keeping our personal lives above reproach (this does not mean making mistakes)
- Glorifying God with our lives
Now go and fail greatly; believing that in the end, there is no failure or condemnation in Christ Jesus.
Need some inspiration? Here ya go:
10 iPhone Apps Youth Workers Might Find Useful
Jun 29th
Just thought I’d share a few of my apps that get me buy when I am in a pinch. There are a lot more, I’m sure; am I missing an important app that would be beneficial for youth workers? Let me know.
Productivity
Creative Whack Pack- This is a fun way to take old ideas an see them through a new lens. Nice for the price considering I paid $20 for the actual card pack.
Receipts Lite- Ever get in trouble for not turning in your receipts? This will help you budget and get those receipts in. For more detail get the paid app.
Entertainment
Guitar Tool Kit- I have to fill in sometimes to play for worship. This app is great for me because it has a tuner in it and a ton of chords I can look up if I do not know them.
Atomic Fart- Need I say more?
You Must Choose- Fun digital version of the Would You Rather books.
Education
IBook- This is a pretty good app for reading books on your phone. You can save your page, highlight paragraphs, and make notes.
Photography
POW- This is a fun app and a different way to post pics of your students. You can make short comic strips complete with dialogue bubbles. Oh the stories you could tell.
News
Fluent News- This is a great app because is culls major news organizations and picks top stories. You can also check stories by categories.
Creativity
Story Cubes- This is a fun tool to get kids to make a story. Shake your phone and roll the dice. Each student has to take a die and make their topic
Word Twiddle- Feeling stuck for a word or thought? This random little tool may jog your memory. I use this sometimes when thinking about new names for programs.
Seven Questions I’d Like My Pastor To Ask Me
Jun 22nd
I was just thinking about this and there are questions I would like my Pastor’s to ask me. Maybe you want your Pastor to ask you too. If I am missing some please feel free to add yours. These are in no particular order
1. What have you been reading in Scripture?
I don’t remember the last time, if ever, a pastor has asked me this question. I want them to ask me because I want to share what God is teaching me and to show that I am growing in my relationship with God.
2. When was the last time you looked at porn?
I struggled with this about 10 years ago and I make sure I tell every pastor I have worked for that I have struggled with it. It’s part of my accountability.
3. How is your marriage? Kids?
This is an important question. I want a pastor who is aware of not only aware of my needs but my family’s needs. How many marriages have imploded because a marriage wasn’t nurtured or because the youth pastor stayed too long at the office or on the road. This is a life saving question.
4. How is God speaking to you?
This may seem like a questions about prayer but God speaks in many ways. I want to know that someone cares about my soul and that my soul is connecting with God and not the world.
5. Where do you see your life going?
Youth pastors young or old are always seeking God’s will. They ask “What’s next?” Youth Pastors need career guidance. I need a guide to help me make hard choices. The next question I’d like to hear after this is “How can I help?”
6. Who are you mentoring/discipling?
I want my pastor to hear and feel the needs of the students in our group. I want him to ask about who I am leading and where they are in their spiritual growth. I want them to ask me this so they can walk with them through the stories I tell them and maybe take extra interest in them the next time they see them.
7. Who are you sharing/demonstrating the gospel to?
I always want to remain close to lost people. I want to be accountable for sharing my faith and passing along what Jesus has done for me. Failure to ask this questions leaves me vulnerable to the fear of man, laziness, or apathy.
These are just a few of the questions I thought of. What questions do you want your Pastor to ask you?
In Defense of Over Analyzing
Jun 5th
I was sitting with my daughter the other day having lunch. I mentioned that the triple caramel shake i ordered was not “caramelly” enough. Somehow the conversation evolved into my ability to over analyze things. I debated her of course but in the end she was right; but is that such a bad thing?
Reflecting on that conversation, I found other examples of my almost neurotic over analyzing. When my wife makes dinner I will sometimes say, “You know what will make this better?”
I caught my self the other day in Starbucks, asking the girl if she could recommend somethings new. She did, it involved soy milk, but I got it anyway. As I sat and enjoyed the drink, the over analyzing gremlin came to me again, “What would have made this transaction perfect is if she came over to me and asked me if I liked it.”
My daughter tried to convince me that this trait of intense examination is bad. I say we don’t look deep enough for the perfect.
I see my compulsion as the spirit of innovation. I mean really, if we didn’t ask, “How can this get better?” We’d still be riding horses, working on PC’s (thank you MAC), and drinking regular coffee (thank you Starbucks)
It is because we accept everything as it is that we live average lives, eating at average places, and live slightly above average Christian lives. Some of my favorite verses in scripture involve analysis:
2Cr 13:5 “Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?” KJV
Lam 3:40 “Let us search out and examine our ways, And turn back to the LORD;” NKJV
Psa 26:2 Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; Try my mind and my heart.
1Cr 11:28 But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of [that] bread, and drink of [that] cup. KJV
We often do not examine our life our youth ministry because we are afraid of what we might find. I say , look, examine, pull apart, re-tool, cry, scream and dance, because if we do not dig deeper, the result is more average. And do we really need another homogenized, average youth ministry or life for that matter?
Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living” .
I say, “The unexamined youth ministry is not worth leading”
What say you?
EAVB_EMLQVPIVIK
Agreeing On The Word Success
Jun 3rd
Success is a word that is truly open to interpretation. There is maybe no greater discrepancy of this word than between a pastor (or committee) and their youth pastor. Let me show you what the differences might look like
Their version of success means: You reach a lot of kids
Your version: I reached one kid. THAT Kid.
Their version of success: You caused the least amount of trouble
Your version: I took risks and chances that caused a stir
Their version of success: You are a self started that does not need coddling
Your version: I am a team player who is in a mentoring relationship with my leader.
Somewhere in the mix of these definitions you both have to come to an agreement of what success looks like for your youth ministry. If you cannot agree, their will be unfulfilled expectations and broken spirits. When you do come to agreement, life and ministry will be easier to navigate.
As a team decide which of these is success
- How many kids in the program
- How many kids on the retreat
- How many in SS
- How many on the youth team
I put most of these in the “how many” category because that is how may pastors see it. Look for balance though and suggest these “how many’s” be added to the list as well
- How many students have stepped up in leadership
- How many kids bring their friends
- How many kids have person spiritual disciplines
- How many guests have you had in the past few months
- How many kids kids has the team connected with
- How many new kids went on the missions trip
“How many” is only one dynamic of success but unfortunately it is the most visible and therefore judged more readily. Don’t forget to add other intangibles and growth markers to the list. Help the team or your pastor see some of the other things Jesus saw like
- Understanding truth (Luke 10:21)
- Acts of faith (Peter stepping out in faith or the centurion’s faith)
- Servanthood (following Jesus’ example of foot washing)
There are other examples in scripture and I invite you share your insights. Until then, find he balance and you’ll find success, if only in God’s sight.
Go Blow Some Leaves
May 28th
As a full time youth worker, I sometimes I spent to much time in the office. Too much time in the office leads to more paper work and less inspiration. As I started to get our more, my creativity increased. Manual labor takes me away from the mundane and gets me foccused on one task, like blowing leaves.
Blowing leaves is simple. Most blowers are point and shoot. It’s not complicated. I don’t have any scientific evidence for this but let me tell you my theory. The simpler the task, the less my brain has to work. Youth ministry is filled with 100 moving parts like relationships, volunteers, kids in trouble, dealing with your pastor, etc. Sitting in your office, you have no choice but to let these 100 moving parts cycle through your brain like a ViewMaster.
During my time blowing leaves I thought of this blog post. Why? I had nothing else to think about. My brain just ran free. I blew leaves for a few hours, sweated my stress away, and came up with a few new resource ideas.
I know, I know, many of us became youth pastors to stay away from manual labor and sweating. When you have reached your stress point or the bottom of your creativity barrel, try grabbing a leaf blower, it might just do the trick.